Dancing, Reading, Driving

I have a few videos from this week. They aren't super creative but it seems like the pictures I take are repetitive so I wanted to throw in something different. Jay is almost 18months and is really learning a lot. He understands so much of what I say. The other day we were getting ready to leave the house and I was saying, "where is my other flip flop?" almost to myself. A few seconds later I noticed Jay on all fours looking under the couch and pointing. Sure enough, my other flip flop was there! I didn't even realize he was listening to me, much less understood me.

I can give him almost any command and he will do it....go get your shoes, sit down on that chair, go outside, pet jake, give me a kiss, show me your nose/belly button/eye, go upstairs, etc. If he doesn't know what I'm talking about he tries his hardest to figure it out. Of course, he follows these commands when he is in the right mood of course...he has very selective hearing already. The point is, he understands the majority of what I say to him and is getting better at it everyday.

As far as his speech, he says (clearly enough to understand) "thank you, juice, dog, toothbrush, done, keys, shoes, eye, bye, hey, and, of course, uh-oh" and many, many other words that only he can understand....which is very frustrating for both of us. He calls me "mom" and has since the beginning which I think is so cute and Wes "daddy."

He still has a temper and will show it off no matter where we are...leading to my utter embarrassment more times than I want to remember. He loves watching Wes mow the yard, playing fetch with jake, walking in the rain, running, climbing, dancing, reading, flirting, and riding anything. His favorite things to eat THIS WEEK are apples, yogurt, dried cranberries, chocolate milk, starbursts, and goldfish. He takes one nap a day right after lunch but it isn't usually more than an hour which I do NOT like but goes to sleep pretty easily at night and sleeps 11 hours, which I do like. He still loves his brown flip flop sandals but will happily wear any shoes I put on him since that means we are going somewhere.

He thinks that most animals bark, trains go "choo-choo", cars go "voom", and birds say "dee..dee..dee" as he enthusiastically does anytime we see anything that resembles these things. I could go on but you get the picture...this is such a great age and it is so neat to see all of the things he was just watching for the past 18months actually become real to him. So that is my chaotic Jay update. :)

While I am waiting for these long videos I will say one more thing. It has been over a month since Dad died and I am finally out of my fog...at least on most days. People told me I'd have good days and bad days and that is so true. It's like some mornings I wake up and feel ok, ready to get stuff done, like things are starting to get better. And other mornings I wake up and just want to go back to sleep. And the whole day I just get sadder and sadder, everything I see and hear reminds me that he is gone, forever. And then I go to bed that night and just hope the next day is better. And sweet Jay can tell when I am having a sad day...that I'm different. He will come over to me throughout the day and just give me a hug or lay down next to me or come over and touch my face and talk. But a gentle, sweet talk, like he's saying, "it's ok mom." It is so sweet to see that side of him...And that a little 18 month old even has the ability to show compassion. He is the best therapy I could ask for.

Now that I am more alert we are getting back out and doing more things. That's good, I know, but it is hard at the same time. It's hard to forget for a moment, start to have fun, and then see something that, like a rock, hits me in the stomach and reminds me of what we just lost. It's so hard, still, to see grandpa's out with their grandkids and think, "that will never be dad and Jay", or to hear Elvis come on the radio and flashback to Dad singing at home with us, or to not turn on the radio for fear that a song might come on that reminds me of him, or to turn on the radio hoping a song comes on so I can get lost in his memory. Or seeing a "salt & pepper" haired man driving in a red convertible with the top down. Or driving past the golf course or a baseball field. Or seeing my neighbor's ping pong table and thinking about all of the hours Kurt and I spent trying to beat dad in our garage. Or checking the mail and getting the cigar magazine that Wes ordered a few years ago so he could get dad some nice cigars every birthday and Christmas. Or to think of a question and, out of habit, think, "i need to ask dad..." and then remember. There are so many things that will always remind me of him and, I hope, eventually it will bring a smile to my face but right now it just....sucks.

So I say all of this to say that I promise not to turn this blog into my own pity-party extravaganza but just wanted you to know where I'm at. And this, even though it probably sounds depressing, is actually progress from where I was a month ago. So thank you for your prayers, for me, mom, and kurt...we can feel them.

Here is Jay dancing, then deciding to try and read at the same time.

This is how we read now...he points to things in the book and I help him say what it is...usually he just finds something that resembles a dog and barks for the rest of the reading time. :)

The boys both hopped in the car and refused to get out...we weren't going anywhere and we hadn't just gotten home....they just wanted to sit in the car. I don't get it.