Jay, Eli, and June!

Jay, Eli, and June!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

16months, 18 days

Well today has been a weird day, or I guess more of a solemn day for me. Eli is 16months, 18 days old. This is exactly how old Jay was the day Dad died. I know...why on earth would I take the time to figure this out....talk about creating ways to make yourself miserable!  I calculated this a few months ago and just couldn't seem to stop thinking about this day ever since. So all morning I've been playing with Eli, thinking that this is all Dad ever knew of Jay. I was always thankful that Dad was able to know Jay but I see now that he never really knew him. He knew baby Jay. But he never knew his personality, his mannerisms, his voice. All those things that we love about him, that makes him so special, all of those things came after Dad died. It's so sad to think about that. Then I thank God that I get to enjoy this day with Eli, that I'm not driving with Mom down to Valdosta, trying to make sense of what just happened and praying that somehow, once we get there, we will figure out it never really happened at all. I remember Jay was great all the way down. That was a miracle in itself, considering the way Eli behaved on the way to Georgia a few weeks ago! 

So the reason I am even dwelling on this so much is because it hit me recently how I really missed those few months of Jay's life after Dad died. From July to October I was empty. Even when I look back at pictures during that time I only remember the pain I was feeling the day the picture was taken. I couldn't feel any joy about Jay's milestones or his cute little personality starting to reveal itself. He found his shadow at 17 months....and all I think about when I remember that is he first found it walking around mom's back deck while I sat outside and cried because I couldn't stand to be in that house without Dad there. And I think about the first time he said, "papa"...at the funeral after looking at Dad in the casket. Yes, that was the first time...heartbreaking doesn't even come close. 

I remember finding Jay on the stairs one morning, with a box of ritz crackers that he had pulled out of the pantry (which is when I realized he was tall enough to reach the snacks) and opened himself because I just couldn't manage to get myself out of bed that day, even to give him breakfast. That was when I decided I had to get better. That just because I didn't think I could go on, I didn't have a choice. I was a mother. I was not going to abandon Jay the way Dad did us (or at least that's how I felt at the time---now I know he didn't abandon us, it is way more complicated than that). But that was what finally snapped me out of my emptiness.  I don't know what I would have done without Jay. I truly believe that God sent him to us when he did because he knew I couldn't handle Dad's death without that precious boy.

Jay is so strong, so thick-skinned, so persistent. He never let me stay down for long. I would cry and he would immediately stop playing and come give me a long, strong hug. Even as small as he was he had that desire to comfort the hurting. For about a year I rarely turned on the radio without sitting on the floor and crying from a song that reminded me of Dad (I still have a hard time listening to country music) and Jay quickly associated me crying with music. Just yesterday, he asked me if I was crying when I got quiet during a song. Once he got old enough to talk well he would say, "mom, please don't cry ok?" when I'd turn the radio on. I think that's why he is so adamant about not liking country music.

Ok, so I am way off on a tangent now....and you see how I only think about how sad it was when Jay was Eli's age...that seems to be all I remember. But with all of that said, and even though I probably sound depressed in this post, I am so thankful for where I am now. Where we all are now. We all still have hard days, like today, but Mom's spirit was never crushed, she is still so bubbly and loving, she has a tremendous support at home and soon we will be closer so we can be together so much more. Kurt is strong and happy. He has Ashley and Gracie to focus on and that is what gets him through hard days, just as Wes and the boys do for me.

God has provided streams in the desert. He has healed us, He has restored our joy. We miss Dad so much that it hurts, and we could let ourselves go back there every day. I think we have all realized that we can't live that way. No matter how much we want him to, he's not coming back. We can let it destroy us or we can move on. I know this seems crazy, that I am still having to remind myself of that almost 3 years later. But I guess I just feel like I need to talk about him sometimes, especially on the blog, because I know you all loved him too.

I read an amazing quote the other day. I'm not sure who wrote it other than a christian in China who has a blog and develops christian tools for ministry put it in a phone app I read daily.  This is the quote:

"Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it."...
"We are apt to feel that we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service.
When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed with pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But, if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing the most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning."

I loved this and believe this is exactly how God uses all things for His good works. I pray that we each can live our lives not curled up in fear but as a better blessing, shining as we do through this life, not in spite of what we've been through but because of it.

So to change the mood a little, here are some videos I've taken. Just random moments with the boys. I think they are cute but I am biased. :)

here they are dancing. you've seen the pictures from this day but Jay reminds me so much of Dad in his performance that I wanted to post it.
 

This is what they do every day...that police care sure does take a beating!  I also thought the statement about the "fireman ants" was funny.
the rest won't let me type in between so here are the descriptions:
Eli showing you what a fish does....so funny!
Concert in the living room
Last one is Eli throwing his food away. He picked up every single piece of food and took it to the trash. I was ecstatic until a few hours later when I also found all of his sippy cups. He is not discerning when it comes to throwing stuff away. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

A month of pictures

I can't believe its been a month since I updated!  We have had a lot going on and I have a ton of pictures to show for it! I will just let the pictures update you!

Wes laughs every time I take Eli's shirt off to eat spaghetti but isn't it obvious why I do that?

Easter morning. This is how Jay wants to look in his Easter 2013 pics

Don't you just love his tie! He loved it too-until he walked into his SS room and his friend Caleb had on a bow tie. On the way home he asked us if next time he could wear a cool tie like Caleb.

Eli didn't know what to think of the bus ride to the church

This was at the Easter lunch with friends. While everyone else hunted eggs, this one played ball

He was oblivious to the fierce competition on the other side of the yard

And he was so proud of himself for hitting the ball off the tee

I asked Jay to smile for a picture, he immediately struck a pose

This was Easter afternoon. Eli took off in the rain.

We thought it more necessary to take a picture than go get him

Thank goodness "Fireman James" came to the rescue. He looked out of his window and saw Eli by himself in the rain so ran out to get him. Our neighbors are the best!

Back inside now....muddy, wet, and satisfied from a hard day's work
Washing the truck together

Eli was totally impressed

At least they weren't fighting over it

Soccer practice! 

Check out that expression. He is so over my obsessive picture taking.

Eli getting his soccer on too

They all took turns kicking it into the goal. Jay would run to the ball, stop and yell, "1-2-3-4!" Then kick it as hard as he could. I told him in the games he would not have time to stop and count.

He loves it though and has caught on very quickly
Look at that beautiful head of hair!!  Gracie is just perfect and I am certain I have the prettiest niece in the world!

Mom and I got to the hospital, along with Ashley's family, in time for her to be born. It seemed like forever that we all waited to hear that she was born. 

We were pacing all over that waiting room and finally Kurt came out to announce his new daughter was here, 6lbs 15oz, 20inches long and gorgeous dark hair!

They told us her name once we all came in to see her. Lillian Grace Lamon "Gracie"  It fits her perfectly!

Mimi and I fought over who got to hold her all day.

Isn't that face just perfect!

She was so alert right from the start. By the end of the hospital stay the nurses had given her the "most alert" and "cutest" award....we couldn't agree more!

All bundled up...and loves her paci already

Ok so this is obviously the reason I had so many pictures this time...haha

Ashley did great! She is recovering well and Gracie is doing wonderful and I text them every other day or so for a new picture!  Kurt is totally smitten, of course.

I can't wait to see her again but I want to keep the boys away until she's a little bigger. We will go in May so Gracie can meet her cousins and Uncle Wes!

I was bragging for a week to everyone I saw about my precious niece...I was probably as bad as a new grandmother, making them look at every single picture

Mimi and Ashley look great....Kurt....well let's just say I asked him afterwards why he didn't brush his hair and he said, "I did brush it!  Do I look that bad?"   haha....typical new dad whose been awake for 48hrs straight....

I had to take another picture of her hair....you remember my two were bald as could be so I was in love with her beautiful hair!
Back at home with my wild men....check out Jay's dance moves in the next few pics...Eli just bobbed his head and clapped






Watching a parade at the Scottish festival. Finally somewhere we fit in with our ghostlike skin tones and red hair!

We made a quick trip to the hospital for Wes to do something. They may or may not have broken this chair by spinning in it the entire time...

This is the look Wes describes as "so tired he can't see straight"

Mom bought Eli a superman shirt....but what good is superman without his lovey!

And he needs his vehicle too

Now time for a snack until Jay wakes up

Jay came downstairs, saw the superman get-up, ran back upstairs and came down as spiderman

I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling very safe

They are going to get the bad guys now
First soccer game!

He loves it and just runs around not understanding anything about what's going on

#2

This is much more chaotic than t-ball, especially when the herd of soccer players run in the opposite direction of the field while all the parents are yelling, "turn around, you are way out of bounds!"

They are the yellow jackets

Jay falls down more than any player on the team. He says it is more fun that way.




This was today at the zoo. Eli was right next to Jay until the giraffe stuck his head through the fence...Eli stepped back and clung to me for his life

Jay brought his own money this time and got to choose what he would use it on. Feeding the goats definitely made the list.

Eli chose to watch from afar after the near death experience with the giraffe moments earlier
Whew!  That is all of them. I have learned my lesson...I need to keep this blog updated!  

I will post another one soon with some videos and a true update of what we've been up to....basically just trying to convince someone to buy our house...with little success. I could make it into a dramatic sob story but will save that for next time. I need to get to bed before my loyal alarm clocks wake me up first thing tomorrow!