16months, 18 days

Well today has been a weird day, or I guess more of a solemn day for me. Eli is 16months, 18 days old. This is exactly how old Jay was the day Dad died. I know...why on earth would I take the time to figure this out....talk about creating ways to make yourself miserable!  I calculated this a few months ago and just couldn't seem to stop thinking about this day ever since. So all morning I've been playing with Eli, thinking that this is all Dad ever knew of Jay. I was always thankful that Dad was able to know Jay but I see now that he never really knew him. He knew baby Jay. But he never knew his personality, his mannerisms, his voice. All those things that we love about him, that makes him so special, all of those things came after Dad died. It's so sad to think about that. Then I thank God that I get to enjoy this day with Eli, that I'm not driving with Mom down to Valdosta, trying to make sense of what just happened and praying that somehow, once we get there, we will figure out it never really happened at all. I remember Jay was great all the way down. That was a miracle in itself, considering the way Eli behaved on the way to Georgia a few weeks ago! 

So the reason I am even dwelling on this so much is because it hit me recently how I really missed those few months of Jay's life after Dad died. From July to October I was empty. Even when I look back at pictures during that time I only remember the pain I was feeling the day the picture was taken. I couldn't feel any joy about Jay's milestones or his cute little personality starting to reveal itself. He found his shadow at 17 months....and all I think about when I remember that is he first found it walking around mom's back deck while I sat outside and cried because I couldn't stand to be in that house without Dad there. And I think about the first time he said, "papa"...at the funeral after looking at Dad in the casket. Yes, that was the first time...heartbreaking doesn't even come close. 

I remember finding Jay on the stairs one morning, with a box of ritz crackers that he had pulled out of the pantry (which is when I realized he was tall enough to reach the snacks) and opened himself because I just couldn't manage to get myself out of bed that day, even to give him breakfast. That was when I decided I had to get better. That just because I didn't think I could go on, I didn't have a choice. I was a mother. I was not going to abandon Jay the way Dad did us (or at least that's how I felt at the time---now I know he didn't abandon us, it is way more complicated than that). But that was what finally snapped me out of my emptiness.  I don't know what I would have done without Jay. I truly believe that God sent him to us when he did because he knew I couldn't handle Dad's death without that precious boy.

Jay is so strong, so thick-skinned, so persistent. He never let me stay down for long. I would cry and he would immediately stop playing and come give me a long, strong hug. Even as small as he was he had that desire to comfort the hurting. For about a year I rarely turned on the radio without sitting on the floor and crying from a song that reminded me of Dad (I still have a hard time listening to country music) and Jay quickly associated me crying with music. Just yesterday, he asked me if I was crying when I got quiet during a song. Once he got old enough to talk well he would say, "mom, please don't cry ok?" when I'd turn the radio on. I think that's why he is so adamant about not liking country music.

Ok, so I am way off on a tangent now....and you see how I only think about how sad it was when Jay was Eli's age...that seems to be all I remember. But with all of that said, and even though I probably sound depressed in this post, I am so thankful for where I am now. Where we all are now. We all still have hard days, like today, but Mom's spirit was never crushed, she is still so bubbly and loving, she has a tremendous support at home and soon we will be closer so we can be together so much more. Kurt is strong and happy. He has Ashley and Gracie to focus on and that is what gets him through hard days, just as Wes and the boys do for me.

God has provided streams in the desert. He has healed us, He has restored our joy. We miss Dad so much that it hurts, and we could let ourselves go back there every day. I think we have all realized that we can't live that way. No matter how much we want him to, he's not coming back. We can let it destroy us or we can move on. I know this seems crazy, that I am still having to remind myself of that almost 3 years later. But I guess I just feel like I need to talk about him sometimes, especially on the blog, because I know you all loved him too.

I read an amazing quote the other day. I'm not sure who wrote it other than a christian in China who has a blog and develops christian tools for ministry put it in a phone app I read daily.  This is the quote:

"Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it."...
"We are apt to feel that we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service.
When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed with pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But, if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing the most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning."

I loved this and believe this is exactly how God uses all things for His good works. I pray that we each can live our lives not curled up in fear but as a better blessing, shining as we do through this life, not in spite of what we've been through but because of it.

So to change the mood a little, here are some videos I've taken. Just random moments with the boys. I think they are cute but I am biased. :)

here they are dancing. you've seen the pictures from this day but Jay reminds me so much of Dad in his performance that I wanted to post it.

 

This is what they do every day...that police care sure does take a beating!  I also thought the statement about the "fireman ants" was funny.

the rest won't let me type in between so here are the descriptions:

Eli showing you what a fish does....so funny!

Concert in the living room

Last one is Eli throwing his food away. He picked up every single piece of food and took it to the trash. I was ecstatic until a few hours later when I also found all of his sippy cups. He is not discerning when it comes to throwing stuff away.